


Forming a "What If"

by Bemused_Writer



Series: Follow the Grey [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 22:57:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17796341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bemused_Writer/pseuds/Bemused_Writer
Summary: After a mission and a bit of time with friends Hawke goes to check in on Merrill. Hawke learns a bit more about her and the start of a connection is formed.





	Forming a "What If"

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little story I put together for Valentine's Day. I hope you enjoy! ^^

_The Hanged Man is unusually lively tonight_ , Hawke thought upon entering with Isabela, Fenris, and Varric. Patrons were in nearly every seat, speaking with gusto and downing the iffy ale without hesitation. Thankfully, they were still able to get their usual table although Hawke wasn’t sure how long she’d stay; she hoped to meet up with Merrill before returning home where Carver would certainly demand to know why he hadn’t been permitted to come along. She hated those arguments with her brother more and more with each passing day. She wasn’t sure what they would do once it was time to go on Varric’s expedition.

It had been a hard night taking down a group of would-be slavers and for the moment she just wanted to unwind. She’d helped out at Fenris’s request, unsurprisingly. They’d been a particularly feisty bunch but they wouldn’t harm anyone anymore. Fenris had been quiet afterwards as he often was when anything related to his past came up. She’d need to speak with him alone at another time. She hoped he was all right but she didn’t feel as though they knew each other well enough to ask just yet.

No, it was better to simply take everyone out for a good time instead. They’d more than earned it after all.

“Will you be ordering, Hawke? You know I don’t mind getting you a round,” Varric said as they settled in. Isabela took a seat beside Fenris and gave him an appreciative once over. He let out a huff of laughter, before giving her a sly look. The two seemed to have formed some kind of bond remarkably quickly against all rhyme and reason in Hawke’s opinion.

“I don’t need much, Varric. I can’t stay long.”

“Our fearless leader has plans outside of pillaging and celebrating?” Varric’s eyes were alight with intrigue. Hawke could already see him mentally outlining how he would write this particular chapter of her life.

“Well, I told Merrill I would visit her…”

Fenris rolled his eyes but remained silent. She knew they would never agree on the subject of mages, particularly of the blood variety, but for whatever reason he had remained at her side all the same. It was bewildering but she was grateful for it.

Isabela had no such restraint, however. “Oh, what’s this? Could it be you’ve taken an interest in our most innocent of mages?”

Underneath her teasing tone Hawke could hear the barest hint of a warning. _Don’t you hurt her._

Hawke flushed at the implication. She knew Isabela was protective of her but she would never do anything to harm any of their friends. She stared into her mug, feeling guilty despite having done nothing.

“I--that’s not any of your business! I just promised I would visit her. I feel responsible for her current state of affairs, after all.”

Varric heaved a long sigh and shook his head. “Oh, you have it bad. You’re like this about everyone you care about aren’t you? You know, you’re not responsible for everything that happens in this city. Merrill left her clan of her own accord. You can’t blame yourself for her choices.”

She ignored his jab. Maybe she had a tendency to care a little more than was strictly healthy but it was how she’d decided to live her life. It was far too late to change things now. Besides, she knew Varric meant well.

“I know that but she’s in the alienage. It just feels wrong.”

“It _is_ wrong,” Fenris grunted. At Hawke’s surprised look he shifted slightly. If it were anyone else Hawke would have said he looked awkward but he shifted so frequently she couldn’t say for certain.

“I simply mean I disapprove of the concept of alienages. I have not changed my mind regarding her foolishness more generally.”

“Right,” Hawke said, not missing the way Varric shrugged in exasperation.

“Thank goodness Blondie isn’t here for this conversation,” Varric mumbled quietly in her ear. “You’d both be in for a long lecture about circles, alienages, and blood magic.”

“No kidding,” Hawke sighed. “But I really should get going. It’s already late. I hope she’s still up.”

“Hmm, I’m sure she’ll be up if she’s expecting you,” Isabela said slyly before reaching over to pat her hand reassuringly. Hawke wondered if it was her way of saying she hadn’t meant anything too harsh previously. Hawke couldn’t read Isabela all that well, couldn’t quite discern what made her tick. She helped out from time-to-time though and she couldn’t ask for much more either way.

As Hawke stood to leave she took a moment to drink in the image before her. It was nice to finally have friends she could openly be a mage around even if one of those friends thoroughly disapproved of the whole thing. None of them would rat her out and that was more of a blessing than any of them could ever know.

Isabela promptly downed her stein before calling, “Another!”

“Well, that was fun,” she continued once another drink had been brought to her.  “I hope you and Merrill get to know each other a bit better,” she said seriously before turning her attention on Varric. “I think I outdid you this time, Varric.”

“Please, Rivaini, I’m a professional. If you took out more it was only because I was distracting them for you,” the dwarf in question replied, cocking an eyebrow at her. He’d only taken a sip or two of his own drink. He’d whipped out a notebook the moment they’d sat down and Hawke had the sinking feeling he was already embellishing her accomplishments right in front of her.

“I’ll see the rest of you later,” Hawke said finally having etched the image firmly in her mind.

“You’re still here? Get going already!” Isabela shooed her away. Varric merely continued to write, a smile tugging at his lips. Fenris nodded at her curtly but not unkindly.

As she exited it became clear daylight was decidedly over. Even though Merrill had had her promise to visit Hawke couldn’t help but wonder if the hour was really all right.

As she continued down the street she could hear laughter from the tavern echoing softly, growing fainter as she went on. It was strange walking around Kirkwall so openly as a mage, especially after having just disposed of several slavers moments earlier. There was no doubt they’d been in the right but they’d hardly been stealthy. Evidence of her force spells were clear as day to any who cared to look and the templars certainly would.

But there wasn’t time to contemplate such things. She had a friend to speak with and, ideally, become better acquainted with.

The alienage looked exactly the same as it always did. The only good way Hawke could think of to describe it was that it was very clean. Perhaps the elves were simply tidy people or, more likely, they had so little to call their own they endured forced minimalism. Hawke hoped if she ever became a wealthy woman she might be able to do something. She wasn’t entirely sure what that would be and her primary concern was ensuring her family was taken care of, but the fact there were people hurting all the time and she would see it rectified if she ever had that kind of coin. Oh, she hoped Varric’s expedition was worth it.

She rapped the door sharply, wincing as the noise echoed in the night. Before she could worry about whether she’d woken Merrill up the door burst open. Merrill stood there, her eyes shining with excitement, and suddenly all of Hawke’s worries melted away.

“Sorry I’m so late,” Hawke said, “but I wanted to make sure you were settling in all right.”

Technically, there wasn’t any real need for Hawke to explain her presence. Merrill had asked her to visit after all but she couldn’t think of anything else to say and it was definitely better than _I just really couldn’t wait to visit you and will you marry me?_

Maybe Varric was right: she did have it bad.

“Oh, I’m so glad you came! Come in, come in. I’m sorry about the mess. I promise my house is clean most of the time!”

Hawke stepped in, expecting to see some kind of clutter but instead she was met with what could only be described as the tidiest little home she’d ever seen.

“This is, um, what you consider messy?”

“It’s dreadful, isn’t it?” Merrill sighed.

Hawke made a mental note never to let Merrill see her Uncle Gamlen’s house. She would probably faint at the very sight.

“Never mind all that. I think your home is lovely. So, how are … things?”

Merrill gestured for her to sit at the table. Once they were settled Merrill looked downward, a touch of gloom settling on her features.

“It’s all very different here, nothing at all like home. I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be but it’s still a lot to adjust to.”

“Of course it is,” Hawke murmured sympathetically. “You’re doing remarkably well.”

“That’s kind of you to say. I feel like everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. Maybe it’s because I’m an elf. I suppose I look strange to humans and my brethren aren’t used to the Dalish.”

Who in their right mind would look at Merrill with anything other than fondness? She meant to say as much but what came out was, “I think you’re beautiful!”

Wait. What had she just said? It was certainly true but it hardly pertained to what Merrill was talking about. It was hardly helpful. Great, now she was losing control of her own vocal chords.

“Oh! That really is kind of you,” Merrill said, her face turning bright red. She glanced over at Hawke shyly. Hawke prayed she didn’t notice how flushed her own face had just turned. At least she hadn’t offended her.

“Um, that is, anyone who is giving you a hard time is being incredibly foolish. You’re a wonderful person,” Hawke amended slightly. Very smooth.

Merrill smiled warmly, all trace of nervousness gone. “I’m so glad you’ve come to visit. I needed a friend.”

“I’ll always be that,” Hawke said. In truth, Hawke could understand some of Merrill’s difficulties quite well. She may not be an elf but Kirkwall was certainly foreign to her and she had often felt alone in the strange city even with her family with her.

Merrill’s eyes grew distant briefly at her statement. She plucked idly at a large tome on the table. It looked like a book of spells and Hawke wondered if she’d be permitted to take a look sometime.

“A friend… Hawke,” Merrill began seriously, “have you ever had a ‘what if?’”

“A … what if?”

“With a person,” Merrill explained.

Hawke’s mind was racing even as she outwardly stilled. Was she asking her what she thought she was? Could things really be moving that swiftly? Hawke wasn’t sure she was ready for that kind of progress. She’d thought they might have a cup of tea at most.

_Focus, Hawke. It’s just a question. Answer it._

“I haven’t,” Hawke finally said. “My family has always been on the run from templars. I never had a chance to form an attachment that could lead to a ‘what if.’”

Merrill nodded thoughtfully. Then, seeming to realize what Hawke had just said, she exclaimed, “Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t thought of that. I mean, I know nothing about you, now that I think of it,” she said, trailing off.

“Well, that’s why I’m here,” she chuckled. “Have you had one?” Her curiosity was piqued. What had prompted this topic? Was it something about friendship? Being friends?

“Yes, I think so,” Merrill said softly. “I left the clan because of it. At least partly. I told you the last time a human had come to our clan it was a dark day. Mahariel, she was my only real friend at the time, was tainted by darkspawn. She left with that man and became the Hero of Fereldan. I haven’t heard from her since. I suppose … a hero like that wouldn’t need me anymore.”

Hawke’s heart gave an uncomfortable twist. Merrill wasn’t just missing her clan. She was missing a specific person _from_ her clan, someone she hadn’t seen for a great deal of time.

“And you think ‘what if’ with her?”

“Yes. Or maybe it’s more of an ‘if only.’”

“I’m sorry, Merrill.” Hawke tried to think of what she could possibly say to make the situation better. There wasn’t much, she was forced to admit. Merrill was still ostracized from her clan and Hawke certainly had no idea where the Hero of Fereldan could be.

“There’s one thing I think you’re wrong about,” Hawke finally said carefully. Merrill stared at her inquisitively, her eyes wide and marvelously green.

“What?”

“I don’t think anyone is too great to need you. I’m sure she misses you as well.” Hesitantly, Hawke reached over to grip her hand reassuringly. Merrill studied the gesture for a moment before squeezing her hand gently in reply.

“I hope you’re right. I hope she’s well. I imagine being a Grey Warden is a difficult task and it sounded like it wasn’t something that ever ended. I wonder if Anders would be willing to tell me more.”

If he ever stopped lecturing her over blood magic he might. “Anders is a … difficult man but he means well. I’m sure we can figure out something.”

“We?” Merrill glanced back up at her.

“We can tag team him,” Hawke chuckled weakly. Her heart was beating a mile a minute. She’d never felt this awkward around someone or so puzzlingly happy.

Merrill leaned forward, her eyes flitting across Hawke’s features, seeming to drink them in. She smiled uncertainly before saying, “I wonder… no, I really think I might have found another ‘what if.’”

“Really?” Hawke whispered, leaning forward unconsciously.

“If—if it’s all right, of course!” Merrill was squeezing her hand very hard now but Hawke didn’t have the heart to tell her to let go. She never wanted that.

“Just as long as it doesn’t become an ‘if only.’”

They didn’t kiss just then, everything was still too new, but Hawke would always remember that day as one of the most meaningful they shared. It was one of those rare connections that formed spontaneously. They spent the rest of the night discussing magic and Kirkwall and they never stopped holding hands.


End file.
